DEBORAH FRENCH
Cognitive Behaviour Therapist
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Do you ever feel that no matter what you do for your child, it isn’t enough? That your love can’t stop them shouting, throwing things, or hitting you?
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You’re not alone. As parents, we always want to help our children, to guide and support them. Yet their behaviour towards us can leave us feeling exhausted, downtrodden, and helpless. Every tactic fails: loving, reasoning, bribing, punishing, none of it seems to work.
Sometimes we only see this behaviour at home and then hear from school teachers that our children are angels. Other times, we witness the same behaviours taking place in the classroom, at the park, or at social events. We see the looks from other parents, then notice that play date requests become rarer, and we start to question ourselves. What are we doing that makes our children so angry and reactive?
If this sounds familiar, don’t worry. Your child isn’t bad, and there is nothing wrong with them. Their behaviour is also not a sign that you aren’t a good parent. You’re doing great. The simple truth is this: sometimes, children fall into a cycle of negative behaviour and they get stuck, unable to get themselves out of it.
This is where I come in.
Change can happen very quickly. All it takes is a tweak, a different perspective with a new approach, to see a happier, more contented child and for you to feel like the parent you want to be.
Experience a therapeutic intervention that’s tailored specifically to the needs of your family, and you can:
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eliminate violent behaviour
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realign disrupted family dynamics
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and establish effective communication between you and your child.
The result is finally enjoying the family life you’ve dreamed of.
My job is to arm you with the knowledge, skills, and tools to establish authority in your home so that disagreements no longer turn explosive. This involves utilizing your existing skills, including your unconditional love for your child to effect change. From that point, you’ll no longer need to work with me.
All it requires is small steps, because small steps lead to big changes.
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A diagnosis is not an excuse for bad behaviour
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When our child receives a diagnosis for a developmental or learning disability, the feelings can be overwhelming. We worry about how this diagnosis will affect them, including their ability to make friends, succeed in school, and navigate through life.
We know that a diagnosis can bring more challenges, and our empathy can lead us to feel bad for them to such an extent that we don’t want to upset them in any way. Yet it’s essential we don’t excuse unruly behaviour from a place of guilt, because while this can feel beneficial in the moment, in the longer term it can exacerbate the challenges they face.
Instead, they need us to take careful steps to help support their challenges, while at the same time equipping them with the tools to self-regulate and believe in themselves and their abilities.
A diagnosis doesn’t change the need for everybody to learn how to function effectively in society. We must know that we can’t shout or scream at people around us, or become violent if we don’t get what we want. We must learn to manage our reactions when we become angry, anxious, or frightened.
Failure to regulate behaviour can lead to social isolation and increased levels of anxiety and depression during adolescence. More than that, we risk alienating the people around us, living a life without close friends and family, and possibly finding ourselves in trouble with the law.
But all too often, parents receive a diagnosis for their child and believe it means any unwanted behaviour can’t be helped. That tantrums, disobedience, outbursts, or aggression are all a natural result, with no means of overcoming or even addressing them.
Let me assure you this isn’t true. Over the past four years, I have developed a crisis intervention for parents with children with behavioural problems.
In every circumstance, our own words and actions can tame or inflame the dynamic. Your task as a parent is not to focus exclusively on the child, but on yourself. That’s why, together, we’ll address the words that you need to say, the manner you need to adopt, and your responses to different situations, for your child to respond in the desired way.
You won’t have to do this alone. During our sessions, I can be in your ear guiding you through the situation in real time, telling you exactly what to say and how to say it, for your child to calm down and be ready to hear you and start communicating in a new way.
We will be rewriting the script of how we need to interact with our children, over the following five steps:
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About me
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I have spent my entire adult life caring for, working with, and trying to better understand neuro-diverse children. I have written three books: an award-winning memoir, A Brief Moment in Time, The Cookbook for Children with Special Needs, and Getting Ready for School When You Have Autistic Spectrum Disorder. I have written articles for the NHS website and Autism Parenting Magazine, and was an expert speaker at the Autism Parenting Summit in 2022. I am also a regular blogger for Psychology Today. Read more about me here.
My mission is to help families communicate better, for parents to enjoy their children, and for children to grow up feeling loved and supported by their parents, to reduce the risk of mental health challenges in the future.
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How to prompt and not dictate
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The dos and don'ts of positive reinforcement
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Understanding the 3 gems of parenting to ready our children for life outside of the home
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Re-aligning your identity and role in reference to your child
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Learning the rules of effective communication